You Must Be This Tall To Die!
by Party Poisonn
Summary: Since the outbreak of the zombie apocalyspe Aidan has being hiding in a car wash, longing to go find his friend Alice who is apparently still alive. But then he runs into some kids and end ups going on a bloody mess of an adventure
1. Eating Out Prostitutes

(_**Hello everyone! This is my little spin-off of Zombieland. I hope you enjoy! **_

_**Throughout the story I hope you add this playlist to ITunes to listen to while reading my story: **_

_**Welcome to Paradise-Green Day**_

_**Desolation Row-My Chemical Romance **_

_**Teenagers-My Chemical Romance **_

_**I Wanna Be Where The Boys Are (Live)-The Runaways (mostly for the beat)**_

_**And basically anything AC/DC. **_

_**I might add more to the playlist if I find more songs. **_

_**Enjoy my story please!)**_

We've all heard of the four kids who fought off a shitload of zombies and shot Bill Murray correct? You know, Tallahassee, Columbus, Wichita, and Little Rock. Yeah, they were pretty cool. I try to follow in their footsteps in this zombie apocalypse. My name is Aidan. Last year in school people called me AIDS to convince everyone I had them. It's surprising that I'm not a virgin ain't it?

I have an Australian accent and I currently hide in a Car Wash in Spokane, Washington. I know that know one really thinks of a Car Wash as a good place to hide but it works for me. And I can show you why.

The gore and scab covered zombie heaved itself at the huge window that was protecting me from it's endless hunger. I smirked viciously and pushed a lever on the control box. A hose sprayed water violent at the undead creature ripping its loose limbs off and against the wall on the other side. Three more starving demons sprinted towards the window. I smoothly pulled another lever and the rest of the hoses squirted them. They all instantly snapped in half. Black gluey "zombie blood" splashed all over. I laughed hysterically at the carnage.

And this is just the beginning of the great-ness of staying in a carwash.

I whirled around and seized a Dr. Pepper and a bag of Doritos.

This is basically the room you can wait in while you get your car washed.

I ripped open the bag of chips and munched on a few of them.

When I left my home, I remembered to bring all of my Zombie movies. Resident Evil, 28 Days Later, Shaun of the Dead, and Zombie Strippers (mostly for the pleasure of it)… And my IPod of course. They geniuses who ran this car wash had everything. IPod dock and a television with a DVD player and a computer. I could live here forever. I still keep my phone, even though the only one who I text is my friend Alice who is supposedly hiding in her basement. I know that at some point I'll get my lazy ass out of this Car Wash and go find her. That way I'm not completely alone.

I gazed out the small window on the door. Some of the zombies were sinking their teeth into the past-dead body of a stereo-typical woman with blonde hair and big breasts. Her skimpy clothes were soaked with crimson and her organs were spread across the street. I felt pity for her. She was the prostitute that always stood there on the corner of that road. I remember exactly what happened to her. She was picked up by a man who was recently bitten. In fact, he was actually one of the first infected. They went back to his place and when she woke up in the morning, all of her fingers were missing and... Let's just say, the zombie man also took the idea of "eating a girl out" a bit literal. The next thing she knew, she was being hunted down by the undead bloke. In her exaggerated high heels, she tripped and was swarmed by thousands of the bastards. Wanna know how I know all this? My friend was the dumbass who picked her up. Dan called me while it was going down so he could rub it in my face. I told him, "Paying a prostitute to fuck you isn't something to be proud of, mate."

I never realized that it was actually a brilliant idea. Going down with a _bang!_ The last words he uttered- or sounds- were of complete pleasure. I must actually praise the slut and jock that die at the beginning of horror movies. At least they die while having sex. So I think I'll add something to Columbus's little list of rules.

_Rule 33: Always better to go down with a bang! _


	2. Alice in Zombieland

_**Ahh! Sorry I haven't updated in decades! I've been so busy lately. Welp. Here's the next chapter. I hope to keep a consistent pace of updating. Hope you enjoy!**_

"Please! Don't I get a time out?" I shouted as I sprinted down the road. It was a stupid idea to go outside and shoot some zombies because of an adrenaline rush. Twelve bloody creatures were following me with a quick and endless pace. I swear, I only thought there were three in the premises, but after I shot all three, twelve more cannibalistic creatures were chasing me. I raced down the seeming endless road. There goes my hideout, my food supplies, half of my weapons…and my iPod. I jumped through a broken window and scooted up against the wall of an empty store. I lost them. I checked my surroundings carefully. The building was crumbling down. The ceiling had great holes in it. The shelves of products were knocked over onto the blood-smeared floor. Bodies were sprawled onto the tile ground.

"God…" I mumbled. I peeked over the shattered window. The zombies had disappeared searching for my beating heart so they could rip it out and gorge on it. I leaped out the exit and stepped onto the glass coated road. Like a member of CSI, I searched the scene to try to figure out what happened here. I visualized the section in my head.

_A girl with brown hair and glasses dashed down the chaotic road. Everywhere people she knew where dying. This was a small town, everybody knew everybody here. She glanced around for sanctuary and dove for the intact window. It shattered around her like a huge explosion. She moaned in deep throbbing agony as the glass dug its way into her fragile flesh. The bloodthirsty animals crowded around her and wolfed down on her. They gashed out her internal organs with their crimson-soaked teeth as they clawed her skin to dig deeper. Her face was frozen in the middle of a dreadful shriek- though it was difficult to tell because half of it was consumed off. _

Most of my vision of the scene was based on the fact that when I sprang through the window, I found the rotting corpse of a brunette girl with feminine glasses lying to the side. In case I didn't mention before, I never lived here. I've never even heard of Spokane until now. I originally lived in Oregon but I was chased to this small town. Oregon was where I left Alice…

I turned to a side of the road. There was flesh chunks and globs of intestines spilled across it. My phone vibrated which made me flinch and yelp quickly. I opened up the small electronic. Alice sent me a text.

_Hey. What's up? _

Even though she was just saying hello, it sent a jolt of ecstasy inside me. I swiftly typed in my reply.

_I lost my hideout. _

I waited for her reply and endlessly stared at the screen like an awkward, obsessive teenager waiting for their boyfriend/girlfriend to reply to a text. I turned around and searched for any horrible, flesh-eating, undead creatures. None… well… there is, however, a horrible, _incredibly sexy, _flesh-eating undead creature. Her body was slim and perfect, though chucks of skin were missing from it. Her hair was ratty and was cursed with bald spots. She was probably a victim of a cat fight. _No thinking about cat fights, Aidan. Come on, you'll start getting hard. _She hissed with blood spewing from her mouth. Her tits bounced gleefully as she sprinted to me with her rotting arms swinging at me. At first I was frozen. She was so hot and it was difficult to run from her. Finally, I stumbled backwards and started crawling away. She tackled me and buried her claws of hands into my hair. Stars were circling around my head once she bashed my head into the asphalt. I groaned and struggled to kick her off. "Son of a bitch!" I turned the tables and threw her to the ground. She sunk her crimson teeth into my arm. "NOOO!" I screamed. I jabbed my fingers into her neck, ripped her loose head off, and threw it. It hit the ground with a splatter. Black gunk spilled from her neck. I rolled over onto my back and gazed at the bite mark. The mark that predicted my future- life as a zombie. I sighed depressingly. _Better kill myself. _I stood up shakily and began to head to my hideout. The thought that this would ever happen was always in the back of my mind, but I was so naïve. I ignored the dreadfully aching puncture in my flesh and gazed at my surroundings as they started to blur.

I groaned mournfully as an alert appeared on the screen of my phone:

_One new message!_

I figured this was the last time I would speak to Alice so I opened up the cellular device and read her words:

_So are you going to come get me? _

I couldn't stand to disappoint her but there was nothing I could do. I woefully typed in the word, "_No._"


End file.
